It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
