i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
