i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
