I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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