how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
