I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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