She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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