I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
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Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
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You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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