just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
