My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
i think i just lost a toe
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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