there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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