I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
