so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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