Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
