we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
