what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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