everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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