very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He's on the porch naked. Help.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
