vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
