dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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