Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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