My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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