Your dad touched me again.
He felt like a one man threesome
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
