Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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