We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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