what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are