I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.