I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat