Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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