my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
