You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
