tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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