This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
