Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
