I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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