did you get engaged???
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
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You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
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Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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