I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
