You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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