I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
