my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
