By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
