I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
