i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
