Your face is a jimmy john
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
