I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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