Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
