You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
