i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
