He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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