WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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