I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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