According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
