for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
