IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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