I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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