No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
